Everybody tells me I’ll pass easily I’ve been working hard for oh so long But they don’t realise my exam technique Guarantees that something will go wrong

I can name you forty types of hernia I know the innervations of the spleen I know the incidence of pemphigus I even know what cohort studies mean

I know all the cytokines in carcinoid I real ultrasounds and MRI I can draw the structure of Rifampicin And I can stage a cancer of the eye

I answered all the written papers easily But the clinicals won’t be so fine I get so nervous I just can’t perform OK - come in candidate 6079

Tell me - what do you see? I don’t know Look at his knee I don’t know What does that scar mean? I really don’t know.

Is it Pagets? No Bagets? No, that doesn’t exist. I thought not What the hell did you say Bagets for? I knew this so well

All my knowledge seems to have deserted me Let me give you this what do you see? This is an X-Ray showing Crohn’s Disease No its not its called an ECG

Tell me when you might require a Central Line? If you have to get to Marble Arch What would you find in Normal Saline? Silicon and caesium and starch

What is MS? I donn’t know What’s an MI? I don’t know How would you treat one? Oh this one I know - I’d make a small incision in the back of his c… NO!

I’m sorry What the bloody hell is wrong with you? I knew this so well

I’d like you to test this lady’s reflexes Why’s that tension hammer in her mouth? I’m trying to assess her gag reflex I meant for you to use it further south… Not there!

Tell me how you’d manage an emergency? I’d do ABC, Good A’s for air, B is for bleeding, C’s for cyclizine Right I think we’d better end it there

How did I do? I can’t say Did I do well? Go away But have I passed it? It pains me to say You’re white and posh and male so we can’t let you fail Hallelujah Rule Britannia Though you’re dangerous I knew this full well.

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